The past few days have been hard. I kind of feel silly even saying that, because who am I kidding, the past 9 days have been the hardest days of my life. Those first 2-3 days were excruciating. We went to appointments and went through the motions and I didn’t even know how to get out of bed on those days. I know there are more of those ahead. I know this is just the beginning of our journey. And I pray we have many many more pregnant days of ups and downs.
But Friday, as we did our amniocentesis, I was feeling better. Better isn’t even the right word, but I felt hope. Maybe for the first time since we’d learned of Gabriel’s health conditions. And I was OK. Saturday I was sad but OK. I felt the breeze of grace blowing in on me and it refreshed my soul and with it brought more hope. I had a visit from a sweet friend on Saturday morning; a friend who knows the loss of a baby– not just one but two. In town only this day, making a point to visit me and pray over my baby, my family, and my heart. She told me to hold on to the hope and the joy that we have in Christ. She told me the enemy was going to quickly try to steal it away. I didn’t know how quickly that would come.
Sunday was a hard, hard, sad day. Going to church was something I both needed and I couldn’t stand. I avoided people. My heart wept as I watched mothers with their new babies, thinking most likely, I won’t have those moments with Gabriel. I wanted to sing to God, but I couldn’t open my mouth. All I could do was barely stand there and cry as those around me praised His name. I think my act of standing there, was my worship to God that morning. When we got home I could hardly motivate myself to get off the couch. I felt so deeply sad. I felt like the life had been sucked out of me.
Monday started off hard as well. I took Jack to preschool for the first time since learning about Gabriel. It was hard. He cried and cried as I tried to leave him there, and my heart ached knowing that my child was hurting and I was just leaving him behind. He knows we are sad. I think he is sad, too. He wants to be with us. He wants to play with his mama and his dada. He wants to love on us and keep us company. But Monday morning, I had to peel him off of me and tell him goodbye, as I had a doctors appointment to get to. I met with my primary OB. She talked with me about Gabriel and how our care should be handled now. She signed off on my care and has officially transferred me to the high risk doctors. We are happy with that. We couldn’t feel better than we do with them, and I am thankful for that.
Tuesday was hard. I felt, for the first time, like I couldn’t handle taking care of my son. He was tired so the fits were numerous. The number of times he lost it and completely melted down screaming and kicking was too much for me to handle. I was scared of not being able to take care of him. I was scared of where I was at emotionally. Then I realized that I felt hopeless. And it all connected. How quickly the enemy had slipped in to steal away my hope and my joy. And it had taken me 3 days to realize it. I am thankful that God has me in His hands. I am thankful I am safe. I am thankful that I am now aware, on alert, praying against, our hope being taken away. I am on a quest to discover true hope and joy in God.
So today was better. I keep reminding myself there will be ups and downs. Good days and bad ones. I know God’s grace washes over me in both of those days. Today my Jack was sweet sweet sweet. And I was able to handle his tantrums today. Granted, they were easy today. But still. Sure I cried in multiple locations, including Chickfila, the hair salon, at preschool, in the car, you get the picture.
I am reminded today of the hope of the Lord. I am thankful that He lifts me up and encourages me daily.
“We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.”