missing him.

Tommy used to travel a lot for work at his old job.  And he would be gone for long periods of time, too.  It was just part of life as we knew it, and we got into a routine after awhile.  But every time before he would go away, the same thing would happen.  And after awhile I started to notice a pattern.  I would pick fights with him over stupid stuff.  Getting easily irritated and upset by things.  When I realized I was doing it, I realized that it was because I was worried about him leaving.  Then I would always realize that I missed him.  I missed him before he ever even left on his business trips.  He would be sitting right beside me on the couch in our home and I would miss him, just knowing that he was going to leave soon.  It never made any sense to me why I would feel that way while he was still with me.

I feel that way with Gabriel.  He’s right here with me now, and I miss him.  My heart aches in missing him and sometimes I just cry from that.  But it makes no sense because I haven’t lost him.  He’s here.  He hasn’t left yet.  But they tell me he will, and the thought of that day coming, makes me miss him.  I’m not picking any fights with him, but I can feel the angst in my heart.  And in a similar, but really very different, way to Tommy’s traveling days, I am dreading that day that lies ahead when he leaves us.

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