Yesterday I was doing just fine when out of nowhere the deep sorrow, the grief, the hurt all hit me. I was driving to Walgreens and out of nowhere started thinking about having to pick out a coffin for our baby boy. How is that right? That I could type that sentence, let alone it be true. And that’s what brought it on. It was so weird because it did just come out of nowhere, and then I was able to pick myself up and regain composure and do the rest of my day normal. I’ve read about grief being like that. Heard from moms who have lost babies that it happens and will keep happening. I guess that was my first out of the blue grief moment, but I’m sure it won’t be the last.
Tommy and I decided several weeks ago that we would research and do the things necessary to make plans for what will happen after Gabriel passes away. Not that we aren’t holding out hope for him living for a little while [I pray every day that God will bless us with time with Gabriel] but to make it easier when that time does come. For us, it brings more peace, although that word hardly seems appropriate, to have things planned, so that when we do need those plans, they are already in place. We don’t want to have to plan a funeral and find a burial space and pick a coffin while we’re deeply grieving our son’s death. We want to spend that time remembering him and focusing on the moments we had with him, rather than details of a funeral. So while it hardly seems right to do those things while he’s alive and we can feel him moving in my belly, we will prepare in case that’s the road we have to walk after his birth. Again — hoping, hoping, hoping for time with our sweet baby boy while he is alive. But our reality says that life is short, especially with a fatal chromosomal syndrome. So we do the things of reality but hold out for the greatest of hopes.
I’ve been ignoring a lot of the reality things lately, which is fine, I think, but sooner or later I have to face them. We have decisions to make and lots of things to think about, and I thought I would decide on them right away once we had confirmed Gabriel’s diagnosis but I’ve surprised myself. I’m a planner and I like decisions to be made and done. But I guess this time because the decisions are the biggest of my life, I feel better not thinking about them and putting them off, rather than making them. In the meantime, I will just enjoy my days with Baby Gaby, as I affectionately refer to him. I’m not a fan of the name or nickname Gabe. I’m sorry if that’s your loved one’s name… just doesn’t fit my little guy. But apparently Baby Gaby does — who doesn’t like a rhyme? So me and Baby Gaby celebrate 27 weeks this week!! 27!! It is amazing, and I am so thankful for all of these weeks. I truly didn’t think I’d see 27 weeks, 7 weeks ago. And at the same time, I am becoming acutely aware that I am approaching the “home stretch” of the pregnancy as my emails tell me. Heading into the 3rd trimester, which is a huge blessing, is also a bittersweet time for us. Days of sweetness, days I treasure, marked with the tinge that the end is coming. That days will soon come where I must make decisions. Days where I will be counting down on my time with my boy inside of me. Days where all of our wonderings and what-ifs will come to be. Days my heart cannot bear to face but at the same time must. Days of hope.
Please keep praying for us. We are in great need of God’s love, power, and hope.