I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile as it’s been on my mind a lot the past few weeks. We have heard that we are handling this well. And we feel like, for the most part, we are. But what I want, what I need, people to know is that it’s not us. We’re not awesome people. We’re not spiritual giants. We’re not great with hard things. None of those things. It is truly the work of God in us.
It is His grace to give us the perspective we have, and I thank Him often that He has chosen to do so.
Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.
It is His strength that sustains us to walk this journey through day in and day out. Good day and bad day.
But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.
It is Him who makes us brave.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
It is His love that allows us to love Gabriel so, so much!
We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:19
That being said, I don’t want to give the impression that we have it all together or that every day is full of wisdom and peace and understanding. My toddler watches a lot more tv on most days than I’d like. And I’m not even going to try to break him of his paci obsession before 2, like we’d originally planned. That boy is hooked on his paci – it’s his comfort thing and we all need a little extra comfort these days. My house is often disheveled. I need help with a lot more things than I like to admit. And I’m tired.
A couple of Sundays ago, I had a bad day. Tommy and I went to church separately because Jack was on the tail end of a nasty virus. So he went to the early service and I went later. And as I sat there by myself during the service, I cried during nearly the whole thing. Music, Lord’s supper, sermon, prayers, all of it. When I came home I thought I was ok but quickly realized I wasn’t as I unloaded on Tommy for anything and everything. Then I just laid on the couch and cried uncontrollably, deep, heavy cries, for a long time.
I was ok after that. I picked myself up by my bootstraps, and I walked upstairs and played blocks with my boys. Then we worked on Gabriel’s room and had a normal afternoon, and I was fine. And I’m finding it happens like that. And I’m not complaining. I’m not trying to sound full of self-pity. I don’t write these words for you to feel sorry for me. Truly, it’s just part of this journey. And I’ve been hesitant to share these moments for fear of sounding like I’m throwing a “woe is me” party. In fact I write these words today from a good day, really. I’ve not been too emotional, we’ve had a nice, normal evening aside from dealing with a toddler the day after time change. And as I sit here watching tv, typing this, watching Gabriel dance around in my belly, and battling heartburn/indigestion because I drank a Sprite at dinner, I feel like a normal pregnant lady.
So in conclusion, I hope my words here show an expression of honesty and not of pity-seeking. I hope they serve as a reminder in the future for me of what days were like during this time. I hope they, at some point, can provide encouragement and hope to someone else on a path like ours. And that is what I wish for, really, in all of these posts.