Yesterday was Trisomy 18 Awareness Day. I put that all over my social media pages and wrote about our boy Gabriel here. I had been anticipating the day for a little while, excited to share about our baby. But the day turned hard on me, and it ended up being a pretty rough day. I don’t think that was in connection to it being T18 awareness day, at all. Granted, kind words and actions about Gabriel from sweet people in our lives did bring on many tears. But those were happy tears.
I started the day off emotional from a dream I had the night before. I’ve had several dreams about him dying, but this was my first one about him living and us getting to spend time with him. It was awesome. But definitely set me on a more emotional page for the day. Then I had a doctor’s appointment, and it was long and more eventful than I’d hoped. I learned I have a bacterial infection, so I started an antibiotic. There was also some concern about labor starting soon, which absolutely terrified me. We’ve known for a long time now that we could lose him at any time, but now that we are getting closer to the end of pregnancy I am realizing the reality of that. And I’m not ready. And yesterday I was a mess from that. Good news is that the test they did says I’m not likely to go into labor in the next 2 weeks. And I had an ultrasound to look at some stuff, so I got to unexpectedly see my boy on the screen again. That’s always a treat. Unfortunately, I’m still high on amniotic fluid. In fact, just a little more than I was 2 weeks ago, but a lot more than normal. So for the first time, when she measured my belly I measured right on. I’ve been measuring consistently 2 weeks behind. Unfortunately, that’s probably due to the accumulation of too much fluid, rather than a lot of growth from baby Gaby. I am still going to hope he is gaining a good amount of weight, but the reality is that we know there’s a lot of fluid in there.
It was raining again yesterday. It started before lunch and rained hard the rest of the day. There was a lot of thunder and lightning, too. I think it rains every single time I go to the doctor. Again, I find it only fitting. As I sat in my car leaving the doctor’s office, the raindrops fell as heavily on my windshield as the tears did on my cheeks. I almost lost it getting back out to my car over Gabriel’s pictures from the ultrasound. I didn’t have an umbrella with me. I had my rain jacket, but it’s not big enough these days to cover too much and I couldn’t bear the thought of his pictures getting ruined by the rain. They’re all I have. So I stood there at the office building door, trying to gently fold and cram them inside my jacket, tears streaming down my face, while others walked past me so happy, carrying their pictures, too, but carrying on with life as normal. I made it to the car. The pictures are fine. And will be hung up along with all the rest.
So I left there and ran a few errands before grabbing my sweet Jack Jack. Including my current favorite lunch…
dietitian fail. but so good.
Today is a new day. Today I am going to cling to hope. Hope that we’ll be ok. Hope that we’ll get to spend some awesome time with Gabriel. Hope that labor isn’t just around the corner. And on that note, could I ask for you to pray for a few specifics for us? Would you pray that the problems I’ve been having are from the infection and that they’ll clear up quickly. While I don’t anticipate going a full 40 weeks, I’m not ready to have this boy yet, so please pray that labor does not start up in the next several weeks. Would you continue to pray that Gabriel gains an impressive amount of weight? And that the fluid levels do not continue to build up. Thank you all for loving on us. Thank you for praying for us. We treasure you all.