I just wrote a pretty lengthy post, full of deep thought and rather great, if I may say so. And then I moved the computer, it shut off, and the post is gone. This is literally one of my least favorite things in the world. Did that ever happen to anyone else in college? I got into the habit of copying my work along the way, but I’m a little out of practice now. This happened to me a couple of weeks ago as I was sending a letter to Target. Yes, I am in the letter writing business. I enjoy writing letters with “constructive criticism” to some of my favorite, or very least favorite, places. I may be an 80 year old disguised in a 20-somethings body. Once in college I wrote a very thorough letter to Best Buy. Don’t even get me started on Best Buy. In my shortest explanation I can tell you that I’m pretty sure hell is like a Best Buy. Those are my feelings. The positive though, is that BB sent me a lovely $30 gift card to make up for the years they took off my life. Thanks Best Buy.
Places like Target and Kroger, I’ve only recently written to, because I want them to be the best they can be, and somehow I feel like my feedback will help them. I know… I’m awesome. And by this point, if you’re still reading my blog, then you must know what a dork I am already and love me anyway. But you see, Target, I have not actually written to because my letter got deleted. Just like my blog post tonight. See what I did there? I came full circle. Moral of the story – make sure your writing is saved or else you’ll end up typing up old and random stories about writing letters to huge stores that probably don’t care.
Now, what I really was writing about tonight was pretty good, so I’m bummed that it is not only forever lost but that I will never be able to replicate what I said. The short of it is that I love honesty, openness, and realness. I’m all about it. I’m drawn to it. I am challenged by it. I strive to live my life that way. I hate the fake stuff. I hate pretending everything’s ok. And I hate a falseness that life is ok when it isn’t. So I just summed up my last post in way less words, but it was much less eloquent.
This summer has been frustrating for me. I had anticipated having a “normal” summer. It’s been anything but that which I find frustrating. My biggest frustrations come from my health. I haven’t talked about it too much here for several reasons. I feel like it’s whiney, and whiners are weiners. Second, I don’t really want to focus on not feeling well. It’s a waste of time. And third, I really don’t want to tarnish my image I’ve portrayed here of being so neat and tidy and having it all together. Oh wait, that last one isn’t me anyway. So I didn’t feel well when I was pregnant, and I expected that I would feel much better physically when I wasn’t pregnant any more. A couple of weeks after I had Gabriel, by the time my body had recovered from that, I started feeling worse physically. I have had a lot of weird, random, non-specific symptoms. I swear things are bothering me but they’re all so random and general that it kind of just seems like I’m crazy. I’ve had a couple of ER visits. I have seen a cardiologist, and he put me on a medicine for my heart. It helps but I still feel bad. A couple of weeks ago my doctor told me that she thought I may have a rare syndrome that affects the autonomic nervous system. It usually develops after an illness, a virus, a trauma, or a pregnancy. It is really rare, and there’s nothing that can be done for it besides treating the symptoms. She is hopeful that it will go away in time. I am too because it is annoying. Obviously, I wish that I just felt fine and didn’t have any health issues. I find this not only obnoxious but also was disheartened that I couldn’t just feel better so that I could be able to do all of the things that I want to do. But I am more thankful to have something identified. I was feeling like I was crazy and just making things up, so it is encouraging to me that there is an actual reason for the problems I’ve been having. And it’s very encouraging that it usually goes away. So for now I am learning to re-think about everything. I am thankful for the medicine that keeps my heart steady, and I am learning to embrace this as a season of physical weakness. I’m hopeful it is a short season.
In addition to those issues that I’ve been having with my health, I have learned that I have scoliosis. I feel like whoever did my elementary and middle school physicals really dropped the ball on this one. Apparently, it is pretty rare to make it this far in life and not know that you have moderate scoliosis. Funny story – about 3 months ago, I was in labor and pretty excited about my upcoming epidural. Seeing as how I was already dilated 6 centimeters when I got to the hospital, I was pretty ready to get that pain relief going asap. So the nurse anesthetist was very quick to come into the room as soon as they got me moved to an actual room. I thought it was going to be a great experience since my epidural with Jack was a piece of cake. Not the case this time. It took 3 sticks. That’s right friends, THREE. My contractions were less than 2 minutes apart at this point. It was a fun time, fun time indeed. So as he is sticking me for, oh I don’t know, either the second or third time, I lost count, he said “So you have a bit of scoliosis, huh?” To which I replied, “No, I don’t.” Then after he finally got it in and was cleaning up the blood bath that was my back, he asked me if I did any sports as a youth. I found this odd and thought he could have picked a much better topic for small talk. I told him I played basketball and softball. He asked, “So you weren’t a gymnast?” In my head I was thinking, “Do I look like a gymnast???” But I responded by saying only when I was in elementary school, and I didn’t make it very far. So he asked, “Did you do any horseback riding?” Me: “No, I hate horses.” Him: “So no sports that would have been rough on your back huh?” Then his questions made more since. I told him no and that I’d never had any back problems before and that I didn’t have any trouble whatsoever with my first epidural.
Turns out that guy was onto something. My back hurt for weeks and weeks afterwards. It was really sore from the epidural. But then it just kept on hurting, and I thought surely my back wouldn’t be sore from an epidural 2 months later. After a summer of back pain, I decided that I needed to do something to help. I was pretty concerned about the scoliosis comment shortly after I had Gabriel. I mentioned the weird experience to my nurse practitioner pal who always takes great care of me at my 2 week check up. She told me we could look into it if I wanted. But just her calming nature eased my worries. [Jenny, if you’re reading this – I have scoliosis, can you believe it??] Since then I had just brushed off his comment about scoliosis as him not being good at his job [sorry, Mr!], but it turns out I have scoliosis. And it’s not even mild, it’s moderate. I went in to my doctor and told her about it and that I have had really bad back pain. I told her I didn’t think it was anything but that I may need some exercises or something to help get my back stronger so it didn’t hurt so bad. She thought that was a good idea but wanted to do an X-ray to check my spine. So I had the X-ray done in the office and while I was sitting there waiting to see if he got a good picture, the tech [who didn’t know why I was having an X-ray] said, “hey do you know you have scoliosis?” Thanks buddy. So anyway, to wrap that long story up – a very kind doctor is helping me get set up to see a specialist about my back. It will be good to get some more detailed information about it and to get a plan to help my back feel better. It’s been hurting for a long time, but I was pregnant so I thought it was supposed to hurt.
This is not the post you were supposed to get tonight – but it’s the one that didn’t get deleted. So that is a little bit of everything from me. Happy Monday!