Day 1 of writing about hope for 31 days feels pretty daunting to me. I’ve never set a goal like this for the blog before. Well except for the time I first started a blog and set the goal of having a ton of readers right away. I think I had about 5. So that obviously went well. Here’s to hoping this goes better.
I’m not sure where all of this writing will land me. Not sure how much I can talk about hope, but that’s all part of the adventure, right?
To start off, I feel like I need to recap a little as to why I chose to focus on hope. It just seemed so obvious to me. I’ve learned a lot this year – so much – so I could have picked a lot of different topics. But I have never experienced hope like I have this year. It has been so real to me, I have been so desperate for it, that I could almost taste it. There were times where it felt like I was holding it in my hands, grasping for a tighter grip of the hope that I so desperately needed.
If you are new here you may be wondering why I’m so passionate about this now. The quick run down is this:
We had our second baby in May, and he died.
On January 7th, we went to our 20 week ultrasound appointment where we learned that we were having another boy! A baby brother for our Jack. We also learned that our baby wasn’t okay. He was very sick. We came to learn that our son had Trisomy 18, a fatal chromosomal syndrome, and that he would not live. Our sweet Gabriel survived the pregnancy and was born alive – a true miracle! He lived for about 2 hours [and 37 weeks in the womb!] before he went to be with our Father in Heaven.
Our whole year has been about Gabriel. About life and death and living without knowing. About trusting and faith and hope and trust. About letting go and hanging on. About smiling and crying. About joy and sorrow and highs and lows. About doctors appointments and ultrasounds and desperate prayers for healing and growth. About researching and planning and stepping back and watching. About waiting. So much waiting. About appreciating every moment and every day. Every smile and every tear. About asking hard questions and learning hard answers or not getting answers. About knowing that there’s more to life than just us. About God using a baby to impact and change a lot of people.
And it’s beautiful and it’s hard, and when I think back on this year that we’ve had, the tenth month of this incredibly long but also fast-moving year, I see an underlying current. I see through the ups and downs and the thick and the thin – hope.
So now this is where I sit. I am stalled, or maybe it’s that I’m stilled, in hope. It’s so often on my mind and written on my heart. And I’ve felt it, and I’ve known it’s there. But there’s more to learn. More about hope, more about myself, more about God. Thank you for walking through it with me. For coming back to this place and reading these words. I trust that this season of hope is not just mine, but that it will seep in to all those around me as well.