There are these moments in life that happen that are the worst. It’s that feeling that you’re sitting there, looking out the window and the world is going on totally normal outside and you are completely frozen in time. You feel like you can’t move, you can barely remember to keep breathing in and out. You can’t understand what’s happening out there – how it’s so normal and looks like the world you used to know, but that world is totally gone for you.
This was my life a year and a few weeks ago. I sat here on my couch, right where I’m typing from, and I watched out my window as the day turned to night and the night to day. As neighbors came and went and cars drove by. As there was rain, and sun, and much more rain. Even as it snowed. I watched it all happen wondering how on earth it could be so normal out there. Why didn’t the outside look like how I felt on the inside? Why was life moving on at normal speed while I was crumbling and wondering how to make it through a day.
It’s weird how we have those moments. They usually hit us in the midst of tragedy. When our world has been rocked and what we’ve known has been taken. My moment was in our greatest tragedy, after learning that our baby had Trisomy 18. I was shaken to the core. And life looked different to me from every angle.
But the weird thing about these moments is that they make us appreciate life so much more. They make us enjoy and love the season of living, tremendously. They make us humble, I believe, as memories of those moments flood back to us without warning. And we remember that life is a gift, and each day precious, and that we are to appreciate it.
Those were the hardest days and the most challenging times, certainly. And I wouldn’t want to go back to them. But I do find myself sometimes reaching back to those days. Those were days of brokenness. A terrible time, but a time that taught me so much. A time where I was desperate and just surviving, and I learned how to rely on only God to get through. Now that a year has passed since we learned of G’s diagnosis, I lead a pretty normal life, and I’ve fallen back into a pattern of relying on myself a lot. A year ago, I knew I wasn’t strong and I needed God’s strength to carry me through each day. Now I feel stronger. I feel like I can do things again. Like I can manage life ok again. But in reality, I should be just as desperate for God now as I was one year ago.
And as I sat looking out my window, remembering what it felt like one year ago to watch the world go by, I was reminded of all of these things. Thankful for reminders of my brokenness and my need for a saving, grace-giving God.