how i wanted to be + i’m not.

Time for another gut-wrenchingly honest post on this November weekend.


After our G died I decided that I wasn’t going to take life for granted.  Period.  I wasn’t going to waste time, be lazy, take my family for granted, etc.  And one area where I particularly took this to heart was with my son I had here.  I did not want to take for granted the fact that he was here, I had him to love on every day, and he was in our care.


Jack and Gabriel bear

Jack and our Gabriel dog bear


I knew from that moment on that I would never complain about those aspects of parenting that people often complain about.  I wouldn’t complain about a lack of sleep, a sick child, a grumpy kid, a picky eater, diapers, and on and on and on.  Because the thing was that Tommy and I would have done anything to have those times with our Gabriel.  We would have signed up for a lifetime of all of those hard things if it meant we got to have our Baby G here.


At first it was so hard for me to listen to people complain about being up all night with their babies.  It still is, to be honest, but it’s better now.  Once you’ve lost a baby, you’d gladly spend your nights up with one just to have him here.


But here’s the thing…  I couldn’t keep that up.  Once life picked back up again I found myself struggling.  Struggling with the desires of my heart versus the realities in this life.  I desire my babies – both of them, be here with me.  And I long to appreciate every moment I had with Gabriel and I have had and will have with Jack.  These things are so true.  And the truth is that I am grateful for Jack, even in the harder moments.  Even when I have a really sick kid and I’m up all night with him.  I’m still so grateful for him.  But the reality is that when that happens, I’m tired.  So tired.  And I found it so difficult to stick to my strong decision to never complain about the downs of mommy hood.



The years are short and the days are long, as they say, and boy is it true.  So while I want to maintain my appreciation for life and my deep gratitude for my children, I am having to learn to be okay with saying “Jack is sick, and it is hard, and I am not awesome at handling it.”  And I need to accept that I know that I still love him and appreciate him so so much.  Pretending that it isn’t hard isn’t the best way to handle it.  But rather, I can handle it by accepting my weaknesses and my short comings and knowing that in spite of them I am loved, I love my kids, and I am grateful for every moment – tiny or huge — of this life we have together.